Divorce and Blended Families

Learning about divorce and step families this week has made me somewhat sad yet at the same time I am so grateful for it because now I have a better understanding for those who struggle with either or both. I also find it interesting that I have recently found out about a friend of mine who is dealing with one of these situations and the fact that the topic/subject of the week was exactly what I had been more curious about because I wanted to understand his situation more in depth rather than not really having a clue. I still do not fully understand what he is going through because I have definitely not been through what he has been through, but now I have even more sympathy and empathy for him and now I understand him better and myself a little better. I love how situations like these just "seem" to work out. :)

Now here is a chart that Brother Williams made in class and I found it very helpful and something that is worth knowing about why divorce may happen and what will be the processes of:

Divorce-Processes & Predictors

Processes

• Emotional
•  Legal
• Economic
• Co-parental
• Community (dividing up family/picking sides)
• Psychic

Predictors

• One Option
• Haven't seen healthy marriage
• Follow destructive pattern
• Re-create patterns
• Co-habitation
• Low education
• Younger at marriage
• Pregnant

Also, something good to know is that..... marriage isn't easy! Don't go in assuming every thing will be perfect because you love each other. No, it WILL be hard. But don't let that discourage you from marrying. If you work hard you two will become even closer everyday and you'll never regret getting married because you will never want to let such a special and close relationship go. If problems arise communicate. Be willing to lean on your spouse. do not pull away from each other because that is when you stop trusting each other and have misunderstandings  which is the biggest thing that causes anger and contention. TALK TO EACH OTHER.

In conclusion: I am EXTREMELY grateful for taking this class! Ah, I've learned so much about family, and psychiatry and just how the human brain works and what we need and how we need it. Brother Williams has got to be the best teacher. If you have read this and it has interested you at all then take it from Brother Michael Williams because he truly knows what he is talking about because he's experienced so much in his life and he truly loves each person he works with in any way. I surely am going to miss this class.

Parenting

I've absolutely loved talking about parenting this last week because that is one of the things I am most worried about in the future because I want to raise happy, wise, and righteous children without being a cruel mother but not being to slack as well. And I also want to keep them safe but I do not want to be too protective of them that they just cannot grow and develop and expand. Here's a list of some good things to know:

 

 

Purposes of Parenting

• Transmit Values and traditions
• Teach about God
• Practice, develop godly qualities-yourself
• Become refined-yourself
• Provide protection
• Learning
• Contribute....
• It's a sacred duty

And as you see most of the things on that list have to do with yourself. The point of parenting is to bring intelligent and genuinly good people into the world, yes, but I find that you yourserlf as a parent get most of the experience and learning more than your children do. Ahh I can't wait to be a parent! But still scared, haha.... yeah...

 

My favorite thing we talked about on this subject though was the diciplining... the fact that we should never punish them but teach them through Natural Consequences, Polite Requests, Firm Requests, "I" Message, and Logical Consequences. It's not a punishment it's a learning experience. But always make sure the consequences are safe and always try to Encourage them to do better rather than insulting and discouraging them. But don't lie to them and give them hollow compliments. Say: "Thank you for doing that for me. Can you get that for me as well because you are being so helpful?" instead of: "Oh, you're so perfect at that, you're so pretty I don't know how you ever became so pretty." 

Importance of Fathers

I have loved discussing about Fathers and the importance of having them and not just having one but having an involved and caring one to his children. I find Father essential to the family and I'll put some of my essay I wrote for class on here so you can get what my main thoughts are on the subject:

1.      "Even from birth, children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure.” I find this very important because I think every individual needs to have emotional security in their life. If they do not then they could end up doing all sorts of regretful things like doing drugs, having friends in the “wrong crowd”… or they may just be depressed a lot and shy and not want to communicate or socialize with very many people. I’m not saying that if they do not have a Father that they will for sure be that way, but just a Mother or an uninvolved Father will not help that security. I believe that good Fathers make one feel quite secure. I know my Father does that for me.

2.      “The way fathers play with their children also has an important impact on a child's emotional and social development…. children learn how to regulate their feelings and behavior.” I love this part because children really do need that play-time with their Fathers. They do not get it from their Mothers as much so when the Father plays and has that one-on-one interaction it helps them to relax and just be themselves and understand their feelings better. When I was a child my favorite time was play-time with Daddy because it made me feel like I could just laugh and be without worrying about getting in trouble.

3.      “Children with involved, caring fathers have better educational outcomes.” I find this rather important. Very important actually! Education will help one with how well they do in school, which will result with what kind of career they want and are able to have. It will help develop their interests by what they are good at and it also helps them socially. I think the kind of education you have effects what kind of people you interact with which will create who you are and what your motivations are. Education is a big deal when it comes to someone’s life and if a good, caring involved Father helps then I think we very much need good fathers.

4.      “…having a positive male role model helps an adolescent boy develop positive gender-role characteristics.” A boy needs to know who he is and how he should act and be like because that is how God intended him to be. He needs to know that he is the breadwinner of the home when he becomes an adult, how to treat women, how to be protective and loving to women and children… I think every boy needs to know that and I think that they need a Father to show them how to be a boy because a mom cannot do it… she’s not a boy.

5.      “Adolescent girls are more likely to form positive opinions of men and are better able to relate to them when fathered by an involved father.” Ah! This is extremely important! Girls need to have a positive point of view on men because too often are girls skeptical about men and assume the worst in them. I think if more Fathers would take time to be involved in their daughter’s life that there would be more girls that understood men and how they act and wouldn’t find it so foreign and undesirable. Men are wonderful I know that there needs to be more father involvement in their daughter’s life because it will help our society immensely.

Those are my main five points on what I find very important about Fathers and and Fatherhood. We NEED to have a Father and a Mother and a healthy family unit. I know it's really hard to do but we need to try our hardest to create the healthiest faily as possible. 

Communication in Marriage

Whew! Now I think I'm on track and up to date. ^_^
  THIS week we have been discussing how to communicate with your spouse and how each person has their own language and that we are always encoding whatever we are saying or not saying. You can never not communicate.
  I think this week is my favorite so far. I LOVE learning about communication and how one hints at things or how they use their body language to talk. I use my body language a lot more than I do with spoken words. It's rather frustrating when people don't "get" my language. It's really like they don't understand me at all. But when there is someone who really does seem to "get" it more often than not than it makes you feel special and incredible. And it feels you have a special connection to that person.
  But even in marriage you do not always understand what the other is trying to communicate. So whenever you don't you need to make sure you express your misunderstanding openly and "identify the elephant." You're in a marriage. There must be no secrets and as little misunderstandings as possible.

Family Crisis

Crisis' in the family are never fun to have and usually quite stressful. Here's a list of some things that could cause such:

-Trauma
-Unsatisfied with current situation
-Urgent
-Family at risk
-Instability
-Personal

But aren't those for the better? If you react well that is. Do you ever notice that after a big crisis happens you tend to become better and stronger afterwards? Because you learn to work together more as a family and you get to know each other more and know how to cope with whatever crisis that will happen in the future. You are stronger and better because of it.

• Crisis=Danger & opportunity
• Risilience
• An opportunity to reach out
• Experience
• Support

How you come out of the situation depends on this model:
ABCX Model.
Actual event
Both resources, response
+Cognition= eXperience.

So, always try to look at the positive outlook during your crisis and never give up and know that it is all for the better. =)

Family Dynamics

Sorry, a long while ago I forgot to post on here about understanding family dynamics and theories.

And this is an impotant part of the class and family function. Basically it's about how each person has a role in the family, especially the Mom and Dad. The Dad has weaknesses that are strengths to the Mom/wife. And vice versa... So, therefore they are a team. In the family the husband and wife need to have the closest connection and relationship, not with their children. You wouldn't want a son or daughter to have a closer relationship than the husband and wife because then the foundation falls apart and then the whole family falls through.

Everything needs it's balance and understanding. Especially the family.

Marriage Adjustments/Sexuality

So sorry about not posting for a couple of weeks, I've had a lot on my mind lately and have been distracted because of it.

My last post was on Physical attraction and falling in love and that jazz. Well, of course the next step is marriage, (if you're actually in love with they guy/girl) and getting used to the fact that you're "stuck" with that mate so you might as well know how to handle it well so that you don't drive each other crazy. The adjustments of marriage are for all newly weds and everyone experiences 'em. A few things they have to get used to are here:

• Money decisions together
• Differences
• New Experiences
• Roles
• Boundaries
• Social/friendship
• Stress of Children
• Etc

Basically, the best way to cope with all of these new exciting events and things that you've never experienced before is to talk it out calmly and understandingly. TALK IT OUT. The one thing you do not want to do is hide your feelings from each other because that just creates a border around you two and that's not healthy to have. He's/she's your best friend. Let them know how you feel.

Now the next subject. Sexuality. Yup. When you get married you have sex, it's natural and is supposed to happen. Now I'm not going to get into the awkward depth of it because that's just awkward. But what I do love about what we learned about it is that it's a great way to express your feelings to your spouse. It shows you how to be gentle and affectionate and personal. It's very personal in fact it's sacred. So, you must do it in a divine way not a natural way. Everything you do you want it to be divine because that is what we are all trying to be, so it has to be included in every aspect of our lives.
 And that's that for now.

Physical Attraction

This last weeks discussions in Family Relations we talked about "falling in love" and if you truly love someone or if you're just focused on one thing that makes you feel good. Can you actually talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend rather than just touching each other and having a great physical relationship? People get so excited when someone touches them because it makes them feel like they know the other person better even if they actually do not know hardly anything about that person. And it's very true. Ever since I learned this I've been paying atention more to how people touch each other and how it affects the other person or vice versa. I've noticed it in my own life that when someone caringly touches my shoulder while saying something to me I feel closer to them even if I don't know them personally in any close way. It's frustrating to have those feelings, yet it's very comforting when you already do know them well.... I just wish those feelings didn't come up with practically strangers. :/

Homosexuality

   Ah, this week was so intense! Yesterday's discussion we talked about how people call themselves "gay" and why they get those feelings in the first place. It's not that anyone is born gay. NO ONE IS BORN GAY. The reasons people get those feelings at all are because of phycho-social enfluences. No one is biologically homosexual in any way, they either get peer pressured in some kind of way from someone or they may be mullested and realized they "liked" it or they just want intimacy. For example, if a boy never had a father or had a good relationship with their father they lacked that intimacy with their Father. And so men are foriegn to them and they want to explore it.
   Just like having lustful thoughts, having premarital sex, or watching pornography, having homoesexual feelings and acting on those feelings is just like those others. It's wrong and a sin and you need to stay away from those feelings. And yes some people have a harder time dealing with that temptation more than others, but some people have a harder time dealing with resisting drugs and smoking temptations than others. But no matter what it is we need to resist those feelings.

Interracial Marriage's

This week's discussions and readings really intrigued me... I thought it was interesting how some interracial marriages work better than others in general. And I love how mexican/white marriages seem to work better than all of the other ones. But of course this is all a generalization because you can never know how it is with everyone who experiences it.... which is the downside of research on people... you never can say, for example: "Mexican's are all illegal immigrants." Yes, there are some that are, but there are also some that are not. Everyone is different in they're OWN way no matter what race or sex you are. We are all unique.

Drop in Birth Rate

Ah, yesterday's discussion in Family Relations was so interesting! It makes me sad that the birth rate is going down so rapidly and people are generally not worried or even interested about it. In fact they're happy that it is going down because the world thinks we're "over populated". And we're not at all! Brother Williams says then whole worlds population could even fit in England if we all lived in sky scrapers. What the heck is wrong with people??? Don't be happy that your species is dwindling away and may eventually be no longer. That's NOT a good thing. We as a species need to try to have more children... it's amazing how much more selfish the world's becoming every year that goes by. But I guess we as Mormon's need to try to save that... we need many children and teach them of the gospel not of the world. Yeah, the more I learn in Family Relations the more I become passionate about the family and children. I'm so glad I'm taking this class.

Hi all! So far I've been enjoying my Family Relations class quite a bit. (FYI this blog is all to do with my Family relations class and what I learn, love, and find interesting about family.) Recently we've been learning how to research well and what not to believe in research. It's very good to know, which I'm grateful for learning about it because I've been pretty oblivious about it through my life. Anywho, I'm really excited for this class to get even more in detail to learn greatly about the family. =D